The painted African woman

The most beautiful women in the world are like good coffee….black as hell,strong as hope and sweet as love .#AfricanProverb


Is this how the typical African woman is around you, black as hell …wen majority of our beautiful chocolate coated sisters are made to believe being of a lighter skin tone is beautiful.Are we really strong as hope ,yet we stand behind the men who abuse us and our children in the name of love and cultural beliefs..What hope do I bring to the face of my scared and bruised daughter who is exposed to sexual and physical abuse from the one I lay with in bed at night .Chakafukidza Dzimba Matenga,is what adults would tell you after seeking guidance from them .In the name of love ,I give a blind eye to my child and please the perpetrator who so happens to be my husband.
I used to think the typical painted African woman doesn’t exist , till I paid a visit at my grandmother’s homestead in the rural areas. Traditional responsibilities are the only norms these rural women know .Your duty as a wife is to look after the homestead ,fetch firewood ,herd the cattle ,take care of the children ,the elders within your family and feed the family .Only the man can leave the rural areas in search of jobs in the towns. You do not visit, because women are taught to trust their men ,he will come when he can .

It’s not surprising that ,in such a home the girl child will not see the light of education .Having a mother who is under such patriarchal rule ,she can never fight for her girl child to be empowered with textbook education.It doesn’t make it any easy if the family is poor ,so many reasons will be pointed out as to why she doesn’t deserve to go to school .what becomes of that girl child in the end ??the deprivation cycle of poverty will lead the girl child to only looking forward to be married ,to have a husband take care of her .

Incase of infidelity by your husband,u need not disown your husband by leaving him, u have to suck it up and accommodate his behavior.not only does it demean you as a woman ,but it puts you at risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases,all in the name of being the typical African woman.Im saddened at how some women are put through hell because they are just women and have to endure it all .

There is a certain young girl ,deep in the rural areas ,who has never read anything in her whole life .she lives so far from civilization that ,the only thing close to civilization she knows is the 10km away clinic from her homestead.a clinic that she rarely visits because ,her family religion only recognizes traditional medicines for all healthcare casualties. she only knows how to pronounce her name ,but writing it is a myth.her life goals and hopes constitute finding a well groomed husband to marry her .she wishes to have 5children ,preferably boys in order to gain respect from her husband and inlaws . as soon as she reaches her puberty age ,the woman elders of the village gather them up and provide them with education.education on how to be a submissive wife to your husband ,an education on how to take care of your own family ,an education on how to stay faithful to your husband,an education on how to please your husband in bed …isn’t this just sad .what about what I want in my life ,what about my one dreams and ambitions for my life .

Broken Trust 

  • How true is that statement???? 
  • If you don’t trust your partner is there any need of being in that stationary,unproductive relationship at all???  
  • What difference will your relationship be from that of people who are merely flirting,or situationships,or side baes,or friends with benefits,if it has no trust at all ???  
  • What do u mean when you say “I trust you with all my heart”??? 
  • Is trust measured by any visible actions or it’s something you just feel??? 
  • Does trust have limitations???

When you trust someone ,you are literally saying “I have all the confidence in you, I’m safe with and around you ,I relay on you no matter what “ but wen does it all go down the hill in a relationship for people to stop trusting each other .Can it be infidelity,fear ,doubt or lack of communication that turns a beautiful experience into a bitter pill to swallow .im not going to dwell much on what trust is or how you can see it but on what actually destroys trust .

Let’s see : If you are naturally a snoopy individual can you hold back that snooping around tendency when u are in a relationship .To be honest ,there just certain times it’s not necessary to snoop around when your partner is out of sight .if you have a “my phone is my phone and your phone is your phone policy “ then you find yourself snooping in their belongings to go through their phone ,then I feel as though there’s no trust and no relationship to speak of whatsoever .from the beginning,if  are you not comfortable with such a policy ,let your thoughts be heard so u can find common ground at least ,for the sake of progress and healthy relationship. Besides the phone ,u find one going through someone’s wallet, handbag or clothes …what the hell are you looking for honey ???? Instead of snooping why not ask your partner if you feel as though there are certain gaps that won’t add up ..just because so and so have a snooping around relationship doesn’t mean u should do it wen its not even necessary in your own relationship. Nothing productive will come out of snooping around ,in all honesty,u lose and break the trust you share with your partner.  

Keeping secrets is just a deal breaker for anyone . if we are in a relationship I feel there should just be total transparency no inbetweens. I shouldn’t ask for information that must be openly said because that’s what a healthy relationship comprises of ,total honesty and transparency. Keeping secrets,will only lead to one snooping around ,I mean for someone who rarely snoops around ,u are eventually led down that road. how will u hold up a relationship built on secrets, if truth be told ,u lose trust in the long run coz secrets have a way of coming out…some people might be of the view that ,there are good and bad secrets ….woooow really..??  

Here’s my favorite,lack of communication most definitely strips off the trust people have for each other in a relationship.lets learn to communicate about everything and anything , it doesn’t have to be a taboo communicating as a couple .im not talking about calls, messages ,chats and so forth …m talking of communication when it comes to important matters in your lives .communicate about your ambitions,visions,future and how u will implement these. As a couple u need to trust each other in making life changing decisions.I mean if there is a future worth building why not do it together .however,if u hardly know what your partner is on about in their life ….is there any level of trust here??if you decide on doing A,B,C &D without even consulting or getting my 2cents then I feel any normal person will slowly withdraw and not feel included in your life .

We all know what doubt is all about right ? Once u start doubting and questioning everything they say or do ,ur trust in them goes right of the window.  

If these doubts aren’t dealt with prematurely ,eventually they turn into suspicions ..you start noting a certain trend of behavior that in most cases won’t even be there and it will lead to one losing trust over their partner. this is how most relationships just die a slow and heart wrenching breakup ,coz when there is no trust ,there is no love or relationship to dwell on . 

                                                         …WAM…

We are OFFICIAL!!!

Yes we can date ,seems a bit old fashioned hey ,but believe you me that’s just how I still prefer it to be .Saying yes,will eliminate a lot of unanswered questions.saying yes prevents future heartbreaks wen one cheats in the name of “I ddnt know we were an item ,u never said that we are “ .When my fiancé was asking me out ,I was a mess ,a mess from my previous relationship,a mess that was of the view that all men are trash ..however, he was a genuine guy ,coming from a not so good/happy relationship himself and we sort of were in the same boat but still I needed a bit of time .Its not you ,but me phrase ,sort of applied in my situation,I never expected to use that ever in my God given life ,although when I did ,I meant every bit of it .We bacame close acquaintances,went to cricket together,movie,lunch dates ,fellowship you name it ,but still I hadn’t said it “yes we are official “ 


How do u know that the person you are dating is officially your one and only .????Well I’m sort of going to lay out what I think should be the highlights of an OFFICIAL relationship.

1. You are only seeing them ,and they are only seeing you

Im sure this happens to most of us,wen you are not attached to anyone ,you tend to flirt a lot with other people who aren’t potential bae/partner /boyfriend /girlfriend ….its only wen you start seeing them more often that u drop out everyone else from your contacts .It starts with late replies to your regular flirting mates to not replying them at all that’s when it hits you wooooow I think this potential bae is the one .The inevitable will occur,it’s only them that you make coffee dates with ,dentist appointments for ,lunch dates with your family with …and what do u know ….ITS OFFICIAL

2. Friends and family refer them as boy/girlfriend  

Think of how many times u have introduced someone to your family and they would still call them by their name .its how you portray your partner to them that will eventually make everyone around you acknowledge them as your boy/girlfriend..that term doesn’t come that easy hey,well if you come from a family like mine ….

3. Meeting important people in your life  

 This has to be the most defining moment of any relationship to be deemed official .Once you start making home visits to uncles,aunts ,brothers and very close friends ..it’s okey to label it official .so here is my story ,I’ve only dated 3guys in my life including my fiancé but i only introduced 2 to my immediate family.my family mean a lot and I’ve always told myself ,if u have never been introduced to them it’s not that deep .no one wants to keep introducing different people to their family or close friends if clearly the relationship isn’t going anywhere …so once u see these visits being talked about and reaching the implementation stage then yes IT IS OFFICIAL  

4. Family secrets  

Well now that’s a strong it’s official highlight to most people in a relationship.there are those deep secrets you hardly share with friends ,that are only within the family circle .we all know those kind of secrets we keep in the closet….secrets that even our parents dare tell us ,secrets we might have heard from older siblings or relatives ,secrets that can destroy family ties ,secrets that are generational and mostly secrets that are just family secrets PERIOD!!But wen you find yourself in that comfort zone ,with no worries of who they might tell ,or whether they are going to judge you for it or not ,it’s safe to say ,it’s an official relationship.

5. Don’t feel guilty for certain behaviors

What a huge wooooow …..wen we official ,I’m not going  to feel guilty for eating from your plate when m done with my portion .im not going to feel guilty for not picking up your phone call when I’m cooking or mixing my cereal .Im certainly not going to feel guilty for telling you to stop using a certain fragrance if I just don’t like it.Im most definitely not going to feel guilty for seeing you in my pjs if you visit in the morning or night.

6. Turndown other people for them  

I’ve experienced this before …..i guess I’m guilty on this one ..but m not going to apologize for it coz in most occasions that I chose my fiancé over other people it was worth it .there are times u just want want to chill and be in the company of that person ,so much that u are willing to sideline everyone else and make time for you 2 only .once such sacrifices start happening frequently,there is no denying it ….it’s official

7. Picture a future together  

When you don’t imagine any future together with them ,then u might as well call it what it is “whirling up time “ . 6months into my relationship we were already thinking of baby names, pet names ,home décor and our first car …..so we sort of got into the serious phase really fast and a future together was a mutual feeling that turned into pure love. Therefore wen you begin to imagine a future with them in it ,u are definitely heading towards the official statement… 

#please feel free to add on what your We are Official highlights were in your past and current relationships. 

                                                  …WAM2017…

International Women’s Day 2017 #BeBoldForChange

Such a strong theme for this year , BeBoldForChange ,how many of us are bold enough to even change small aspects in our lives ,change of job,appearance ,new environment etc …let’s look at the term #BOLD …. To be bold is when one is not hesitant or fearful in the face of an actual or possible danger, in fact to be courageous and daring .This is what the world is trying to put across to women ,for us to be #BoldForChange ….we know what sort of change we aspire for our kids, families communities, regions ,countries and continents.we know what obstacles are hindering those changes to be enforced ,and why they never reach the level of change ,and yet what are we doing about it ….are we bold enough to make these changes occur nomatter what circumstances.History has a lot of phenomenal women who stood up for their rights ,who were bold enough for change to happen for them and the future generations.Today’s blog will be dedicated to women in my African culture who were and still are BoldForChange ..

1. Funmilayo Ransome Kuti – Woman Activist


  •  Nigerian  
  •  Founder and creatior of The Abeokuta women’s union (AWU) and later Women’s International Democratic Federation (WIDF), organisations and movements that aided Kuti to promote women’s rights to education, employment and to political participation.  
  •  Kuti and the AWU clan went to protest using the slogan no taxation without representation ,against tax imposed on women . They were not equal members of society and were strongly opposed to paying taxes until the injustices were rectified. As the women protested outside the Alake’s house, they sang in Yoruba.

2. Yaa Asantewa – The Commander in Chief


  •  Ghanaian  
  •  She was the military leader of what is known as the ‘Yaa Asantewa War’, which was the last war between the Asante and the British, and during which she became referred to by the British as the ‘Joan D’Arc of Africa’. Although she did not enter combat herself, the troops fought in her name and she gave orders and provided the troops with gun powder. 

3. Winnie Mandela – The President’s Wife

  •  South African  
  •  a South African activist and politician who has held several government positions and headed the African National Congress Women’s League. She is a member of the ANC’s National Executive Committee. 

4. Miriam Makeba – The Mother of Africa

  •  South African  
  •  Another prominently outspoken and visible opponent of South Africa’s apartheid regime was Miriam Makeba, also known as Mama Africa, and the Empress of African song. Makeba was not only involved in radical activity against apartheid but also in the civil rights movement and then black power. In fact, she was married (albeit briefly) to the Black Panther leader Stokely Carmichael, who was her fourth husband out of five. 

5. Ruth Williams, Lady Khama – The Motswanan

  •  Lady Khama was the wife of Botswana’s first president, Sir Seretse Khama. She was born in Blackheath in south-east London and was the daughter of a retired Indian Army officer. Her marriage to the man who would become Botswana’s president was met with disapproval in Botswana, it enraged apartheid South Africa, and embarrassed the British government.  
  •  Lady Khama was an influential, politically active first lady during her husband’s tenure as president. When Seretse Khama died in 1980, many expected that Ruth Khama would return to London. But instead she became president of the country’s Red Cross.  

6. Ama Ata Aidoo – Writer


  •  Ghanaian  
  •  Professor Ama Ata Aidoo, née Christina Ama Aidoo, is a author, poet, playwright, and academic.  
  • Served as a Minister of Education in Ghana under the Jerry Rawlings administration. She currently lives in Ghana.  
  •  In 2000, she established the Mbaasem Foundation to promote and support the work of African women writers.  

7. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – Writer, feminist

  •  Nigerian  
  •  Born in Nigeria in 1977.  
  •  Author of three critically acclaimed novels: Purple Hibiscus (2003), Half of a Yellow Sun (2006), and Americanah (2013). She also released a short story collection, The Thing around Your Neck in 2009. 
  •  Chimamanda is a feminist and has written and given speeches on various current topics relating to women’s issues in Nigeria and across the Diaspora, including her celebrated TED talks. 

                                               ….WAM2017…

Friends 

It’s been almost a year since my last blog post and I just figured why not begin with one of my favorite topics ,being that of friends.So growing up I was quite the chatty little birdy and had so many friends ,home friends ,crèche friends ,high school friends ,church friends etc ..Then I grew up and became a bit reserved ,my circle was a bit limited to the number of my fingers in one hand.I don’t really know how i just grew out of it ,friends didn’t just mean that much to me anymore.I just ended up secluding myself from a lot of activities that required a bunch of people to meet up and all .Some of these things u can never explain hey it just happens and well it happened to me .

Childhood friends

I don’t really know if it was me alone ,but my childhood friends were pretty much my cousins,my parents friend’s kids and ofcoz my preschool and primary friends.As for my cousins ,they were the ones who knew just about anything of my life and there was no pretence there whatsoever .They knew everything about me and there was no lying about toys your mom supposedly got you coz they at times lived with us .I would cry if mom ddnt allow me to sleep over at their place or vice versa .We learnt our first hip hop songs together ,knew each other’s secrets “our crush” ,had the same favorite tv show and God forbid had that one movie we knew from start to end “for us it was Saraffina ” . I mean ,cousins were my ultimate IT friends,we were THE SQUAD!!

My preschool friends mmmmm didn’t have so much impact in my life ,there were just there and to be quite frank they just remained as preschool buddies.However, my primary school friends…now those ones are for life .Most of my current friends right now ,are from my primary level of education .Puberty hit us in primary and that for me ,made our friendship a lot special .For instant I had my first period when I was in Grade 7 and all my friends were there for me sharing the confusion ,excitement and joy of entering an unworld phase of every girls life with me . I mean, that was so sacred to  and for me.Primary friends had this special bond ,that still exists even now for me .We parted our ways for our high school but still made time for each other coz mybe primary was just too lit”who knows ” .Some have families now ,others all over the world ,others passed on but still have a special place in our hearts .And guess what ,I even got the love of my life from primary .

College friends 

OH MY GOD …..can I just alt-ctrl-del these people from my life …#LOL#.I can’t even comprehend the amount of craziness these bunch of friends can be in ones life ,it’s so hectic tbh.These kinds of friends can make or break you as an individual if you not careful at all .For most of us,they just remain as college friends ,come to think of it I only have 3 people I talk to from college.Even among these college friends ,they were subdivisions too ….party friends ,church friends ,assignment friends ,just friends and a must friend. These people could never mix at all ,I mean clearly how can my just friend I meet up at functions for drinks ,be my assignment friend …what are the odds that I even share a same module with them …If you ask me ,there’s nothing much I can say about college friends so I’ll pretty much leave it here .

Work friends  

These are the kind of friends you just meet at work and it all stays there ,it’s an 8-5pm sort of an affair .In most cases no one bothers to really be involved outside the work place ,and if you do the relationship doesn’t last at all .Although some end up being buddies for life ,it starts with that office party that will extend to a night out for a few drinks that will eventually lead to a Friday night girls/guys night out together. 

Friends for life 

These are heaven sent ,friends you can go for weeks or months without talking to but still can catch up and be cool together.Such friends don’t need to be asked for help ,they know when to help.Lets all agree that ,such friends are more family than just friends .At most important events of your life they are there ,and you need to ask ,if they know ,they will show up and be there for you .For me , these friends are worth more than a lot of fake buddies .These are the people who are brutally honest with you,not in the name of being mean but pour out every inch of constructive criticism that will build not destroy your esteem.

                      …. WAM 2017….

What do couples fight about 

So my  close friends call me a “bully ” and others think I’m very much opinionated and don’t back down . Buttttt….what I’ve come to discover is that ,I ain’t a bully at all ,I just defend myself a bit more than everyone around me do for themselves …so it’s quite easy for the next person to label you a certain way because of their own disparities .This bully labeling  issue has become a major issue in my relationship and of late has caused a whole of problem.then again that’s a whole different issue for another day .as of today would really love to dig in a bit deeper on the issues that most couples fight about .ever heard people lash out statements like “if you don’t fight as a couple you are pretty much not dating ‘mmmmmm but let’s be frank here , we do accept some level of disagreements that can lead to fighting but when it becomes a norm that you fight everyday ,it ain’t love no more ,it’s you not being compatible for each other at all.

1:Ex spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends 

In as much as people have moved on and are with their current partners , cases of the exes seem to pop out a lot .it comes to things that you love so much that would be interpreted as reminders of your ex partner .some people have withdrawal problems, they can’t seem to let go of their past no matter how shady and broken that past is .you check their social media,u find that they are still communicating with their past …they still interact with their pasts family ..I would find this quite a disturbing issue in your new relationship if u can’t seem to let go of your past .

2.Money 


I have always told myself that money will not be an obstacle to a happy relationship in my life .its not like we get what we wish for all the time right ?its just inevitable that couples fight over finances .how you going to spend it ,on who ,on what ……having a lot of money can cause problems and not having any can be an issue too ….all u need to do is master the art of communication wen it comes to money .be open about finances ,how they are being acquired and how they will be spent .come up with a budget in order  to save , agree on that budget and make use of it.i believe it always work if both parties agree .wen you are single,you sort of have financial independence ,I spend my money however I want to but that’s not always the case when you are in a relationship ..you need to respect the other persons views regarding your financial use…

                                                               ………to be continued 

The social scene in your late 20’z 

When you hit 18,you are so full of life and want to do everything and anything that’s in your reach. You want to experiment a lot , it might be dating ,a certain way of dressing, be part of a “click”, some type of exotic foods etc etc . If I would go back to mini me when I was 18,I would tell myself to relax a bit.Some of the decisions I made when I was that age were out of this world and just plain stupid and unreasonable . In terms of dating , I was very much settled of which come to think of it, that’s the time I was supposed to be all flirty and youthful. This is really besides my point , I’m here to talk about the social scene. Where to go, what to do ,who do it with and the expectations that come with the social scene. To be frank , the social scene requires a lot of energy and 💵💵. In Uni , there came a time whereby all I did was party and not have a care in the world about anything , it was downright fun and life liberating tbh. You had no one to answer to and basically you could be anywhere you wanted to be and no one cared . So the tricky part was when I came back home for my semester holidays . My parents are just strict and I had to do afternoon house parties and all. It wasn’t fun ,especially when people had to drive you back home when there would rather be somewhere else,at times I had to resort to using a cab. Trust me it was a dread . When rules are so tight for you, there’s so much going on and you got so much energy too. Then comes the moment you hit your late 20’s. You have the ultimate freedom ever to go out , coz well you an adult and rules gotta change somehow .(well for those who still live with their parents like me ) .mom isn’t fussy about the time yiu come back home, you can even call in and say I’m sleeping over at a friends and they literally wouldn’t care a bit. Butttt then the social scene becomes to different , it’s full of mini yous , who are so full of energy and you just sitting there drinking a non alcoholic cocktail 🍸🍸,and think “why am I here ” 🤔🤔🤔. 

………………………………….to be continued 

Where do we go from here 

It was inOctober 2014, wen things fell apart for this young lady .having finished college the same year ,job hunting was sort of a daily bread mission for her .For months her daily schedule was very predictable ,waking up doing her house chores ,taking that long shower ,breakfast then into town to that same Internet cafe to search for job vacancies on the Internet .This was all done by someone who had hope for a brighter future for herself little did she know the world she was in was full of greedy people . No one cared about experience neither did they care about qualifications it was just about how much you are willing to part with to get a job …..
To be continued ….

Life decisions made for you 

Growing up in a typical black family ,it’s inevitable that decisions are made for you without you . Starting from a young age , we have clothes picked up for us for occasions because they say “you don’t know that which is appropriate to wear “,but are we ever given the chance to choose that which we want . Then it rises to what we eat, I know growing up I ddnt like eating that much , but one thing I knew I loved were butternuts ,but the decision was made for me to be accustomed to eat just about everything .😔.it starts with those small tiny things ,and eventually gets to life decisions being decided for us .One disturbing factor we see our parents deciding our career pathway.i had the privilege to chose that which I desired to do but well my siblings were not so fortunate enough to have that too .its quite common in my African culture to be a doctor yet you desire to be a fashion designer or photographer . Going through medical school would take you approximately 7 years ,7 years of studying a degree to please your parents because you the not financially emancipated to take yourself through school .its a sad reality but many are living to give testimonies of such .   

The prayerful partner pt3 

  • My past relationships were filled with all sorts of excitement , some I can’t even comprehend as to whether I was thinkn clearly to involve myself with such . I have always told myself , I will raise my kids better than I was , not saying my parents did a terrible job , they did their best I was just adamant to follow . My mom took me and my siblings to church but just like any other kid, church is a place to go play and as a youth to create relationships …never to serve the soul purpose of hearing the word of God , understanding it and doing according to the word . As an adult , I now understand the whole concept of church …..tbh my partner helped me understand a lot . For instant One thing I knew existed was tithe but it was just “a thing” of the many things I never understood what it meant . I’m grateful that God chose “my person “for me …